


Phantom Shadows

by Sandrine Shaw (Sandrine)



Category: Gangs of New York (2002)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Movie(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-16
Updated: 2003-04-16
Packaged: 2018-05-05 06:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5365385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandrine/pseuds/Sandrine%20Shaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amsterdam has left New York, but the memories won't leave him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phantom Shadows

He wakes up in the middle of the night sometimes, his body drenched in sweat and his breathing labored. The name on his lips is always the same.

_Johnny._

The visions filling Vallon's nightmares wouldn't be quite as terrifying if they were just that - visions, fantasies, nightmares. To know that they were real, that the sight of his friend's bleeding, wrecked body dangling from the fence, the feeling of the gun in his hands, the sound of the shot tearing the air... that all of this has actually happened haunts him. There's no relief in waking up for Amsterdam, for he might be able to shake off his nightmares, but he cannot shake off the memories.

When he is torn from his sleep by the gruesome images, screaming Johnny's name as he sits up in bed, Jenny just looks at him with sad blue eyes. 

At the beginning, she tried to offer comfort, sooth his tortured mind and dull his guilt with gentle words and tender hands. But it's not enough. Nothing will ever be enough. And when he recoiled at her touch, she stopped. He loves her, he truly does, but nothing she can say or do will wipe out Johnny. Johnny... with his crooked smile and his dark eyes. Johnny, who was the first man he ever called 'friend'. Johnny, whose body he used both as a blanked and a pillow more than once. Johnny, who always tasted of apples and stale beer. Johnny, who helped him and loved him and betrayed him. Johnny, who - ultimately - died for him... because of him... by his hands.

'I should kill you,' Vallon had told Johnny before he sent him off to leave the Five Points and never return. He can't remember anything he regrets more in his life than saying those words. Except, maybe, saving the Butcher's life that night because if he hadn't done that, Johnny would still be alive and none of this would have happened.

'I should kill you,' he'd said. And it had meant, 'Traditionally, the only answer to your betrayal can be your death.' 

It had also meant, 'I do not want to kill you.' 

That's why he'd sent him away. Irony of fate that by doing that, he'd not only signed Johnny's death warrant, but also unleashed a chain of events that ended with his gun against Johnny's head and his finger on the trigger. It doesn't matter that it was a mercy killing in the end, that if he evened the score, he didn't do it by his free will. In so many ways, he has killed Johnny; and he'll never forgive himself. He knows that.

Somehow, he has to learn to live with the guilt. Has to learn how to get along without Johnny. It's getting easier, he tells himself. Because San Francisco is nothing like New York, and with Jenny at his side, he will forget how Johnny tasted, someday, or how his hair felt when he let his fingers run through it. Someday. Eventually.

He knows it's a lie, but he pretends it's not because otherwise, he might as well have died in the four day riots of New York City.

He's alive. He has to live, for both of them.

He takes a couple of deep breaths, turns around to check if he has woken Jenny up again. Troubled cornflower blue orbs met his gaze, as they do every night. He presses a reassuring kiss to her forehead.

"Go back to sleep," he tells her.

"I'm sorry," she says, and there's a catch in her voice. It could be an 'I'm sorry he's dead' or an 'I'm sorry I'm not him'.

Amsterdam gathers her into her arms and holds her tight, trying to ignore that the shape of her body doesn't feel right to him.

End


End file.
